Really, James?
by Alternis Dim
Summary: In fanfiction, when the Potter children get bored, they make up stories about their parents and their parents' friends, and it gets derailed along the way. May or may not include "Really, James?"
1. on the first day, he made music

_Harry blinked, colors swirled in the background as Luna Lovegood stared at him. _

_White hare ears rested on her head as she poured the tea. He heard her sigh softly, he blinked again and saw Luna holding out a filled teacup, he took it. She continued to stare at him, though it wasn't unnerving to him. _

"_Luna, why -" his question interrupted by her pushing a plate off the table, he winced; the plate let out a shrill scream. Luna smiled and held the teapot, she drank from it as Harry covered his ears and groaned._

_A hand touched Harry's shoulder, he looked up and saw a frowning Ronald Weasley, a green hat on his head. Luna seemed taken back and stood up, leaving and taking the teapot with her. _

_The plate was no longer screaming, and they were no longer at a table. _

_Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Hermione and Ginevra watching them. He ignored them and turned to his friend, "Ron, why did -"_

_Ginevra slapped him, "How dare you leave!" she screamed._

_Harry stumbled back a bit before grabbing Ginevra's shoulders roughly, he pressed his lips against hers and started to snog-_

"Really, James?" shouted Albus. "You're making it turn into soft porn!"

James snickered at his brother's reaction, "Of course, you would know all about porn."

Albus glared at him, opening his mouth to retort when their sister came in, "Mommy has dinner ready – oh, are you two doing something?" she asked with a smile.

They stared at her then glanced at each other before going back to staring at her.

Lily fidgeted nervously, still smiling. "I'll just go tell Mommy you're doing something weird..."

* * *

><p><strong>...yeah I don't know. I'm gonna assume this is me trying to not fail at thinking of crap and actually typing it out. This is not beta'd, or anything (I don't actually have a beta reader anyway) But that's not an excuse - I completely fail at grammar and english in general. <strong>

**Not working.**

**Yeah, watch me end up continuing this fail of a fic.**

**Disclaimer: ...Rowling owns the Harry Potter universe and all the characters – and blah blah blah, stuff.**


	2. on the second day, he made trees

_Three children, all tucked snug into bed. Their father sat on a chair, their mother in his lap. They kissed each other's faces and whispered sweet nothings. The middle child – who was the lightest sleeper – heard his mother giggle softly, before gasping and moaning. _

_His eyes widen and he hopped out of bed quietly, not to alert his parents. His slippers felt cold as he peeked out of the crack between his door and wall._

_He saw his parents, in front of the fireplace, kissing while his mother's robe was falling off her shoulders – he gasped silently and stumbled backwards, hitting his head on his sister's bed._

_His parents froze; his sister groaned and sat up slowly, "What are you doing?" she asked. He ran over and slapped his hand over her mouth, glaring at her. _

_They tip-toed quietly to the door, listening._

"_I can't believe we almost woke the kids – I can't believe we're doing this in a chair!"_

"_It reminds me of the times before James was born, but you're comfortable right here."_

"_Yes – **ooh**, yes. **Right there.**"_

"_You've been a naughty girl – **ugh, Ginny -**"_

"_Keep touching me there – just like that."_

"_You smell so good..."_

"_And you smell like rubbish."_

"_Sorry, I had a job – **AH.**"_

"_I make you feel so horny, don't I, Ron?"_

"_...what." _

"_Uh, I meant, Harry -"_

"Isn't Ron our uncle?" asked Albus.

James nodded, "Yup."

**Awkward silence.**

"Really, James?"

"It's very possible! Have you seen them? There's a lot of sexual tension!"

"...I am never talking to you again, GOODBYE -"

**Awkward line break.**

Ginny put her book down and turned to Harry, "Does it feel like our kids are talking about incest and sex?"

Harry proceeded to spit out his drink.

"You stain the carpet when you do that, Honey."

* * *

><p><strong>Well, I've decided; I'm going to try and write something short every day until Christmas. <strong>

**Expect a quality decrease. (lol, there was quality?)**

**...and I just noticed I uploaded this on the same day as the first one because I didn't wait **

**FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-**


	3. apparently titles are hard to think of

James gasped loudly, having discovered the best story ever. He grabbed the book and ran towards his shared room, grabbing and dragging Albus on the way.

_Once upon a time, there was a pony named Twilight Sparkle -_

"Really, James? A pony?"

"I see nothing wrong with it. They save the world and – where are you going?"

"Far, far away from you."

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, Lily fretted over some rubbish. "What should I make for James?" she muttered to herself.<p>

She stared at the rubbish, silently threating to throw it out if it didn't give her an idea.

"Eh, I'll just put this crap in James's bed."


	4. no effort was made

James sighed; another day went by without Albus talking to him. Lily also put a bunch of rubbish in his bed, but that's another story.

Was it the pony thing, James thought to himself. Or the incest?

It was a little bit of both, actually, but that's besides the point. It's not like they knew actual stories of their parents, or did they?

This inner monologue sucks.

"Dad, Albus isn't talking to me."

"I'm too busy raging over Ginny's adventures with Ron."

"...damn."

It was time for Plan B.

"LILY!"

When in doubt, recruit your little sister.


	5. seriously, who would read this?

"Hey, James!"

"I see you've finally decided to talk to me -"

"I found a book I wanted you to read, it's called My Immortal."

"...I hate you so much."

_"WHAT DA HELL R U DONG IN MY OFICE!1" he began to shoot angrily. Sudwenly I saw Morty Mcfly's blak tim machine!111 I jumped seductivly in2 it leaving Draco and Vampire. Sudenly I wuz back in tim!11 I looked around. It was...Profesor Slutborn's efface! I sneaked around. Suddenly I saw da Amnesia potion on his desk. It wuz blak wif blood-red pentagramz in it. It was the shape of a cross. I put it in my poket. Suddenly da door opened it wuz...Profesor Slutgorn!11_

"Well, that was -"

"No."

"But -"

"NOOOOO."

"At least she used quotes instead of apostrophes?"

"Ponies are better, Albus, they're always better."


	6. I'm going to regret this later

**lol I got reviews, HOW AWFUL, and I'm going to reply to each and every one of you in this chapter, because I hate private messaging, apparently. (Damn, I just noticed the last two chapters didn't have "Really, James?" in it.) [I've also missed a few days – sorry, my fault, I'm just lazy and don't have some excuse like I'M GOING ON A TRIP, BAAAI.]**

**Dear J-star Black,**

**ilu, marry me.**

**Dear Stromsten, **

**ilu, marry me.**

**Dear Rebecca Calzone,**

**ilu, marry me.**

**I present a chapter that took no effort to you all. ****(Enjoy and bleach your brain on your way out.)**

* * *

><p>"It was just a story, James!" shouted Albus. "How could it affect you in this manner?"<p>

James opened the door to reveal his face.

"...go back into the bathroom, you'll make pregnant women give birth."

"Really, Albus?"


	7. Short!

**I have the urge to role-play in the HP universe, buut [I CAN'T WRITE] I'm PAINFULLY SHY on the internet. I should just make a forum and see how that floats, it probably won't but whatever maaan.**

**Thanks for the reviews, I'm surprised this would get any, because I honestly think its crap.**

* * *

><p>"Have you sexed her?"<p>

Harry stared at his child. "What?"

"Have you sexed -"

"Yes, yes, of course I have!"

"So, you have sexed Aunt Hermione," James smirked before running off. "I was right, Albus! He admitted to all of it!"

This Christmas will be interesting.


	8. Weird Scarves

"Happy Christmas, Albus!" Lily shouted as she held out a poorly wrapped present. "I made it just for you!"

Her brother smiled, touched by her gesture, before frowning and glaring at James as he took the present.

"Thanks, Sis, you really shouldn't have!"

"That's for me-"

"Details, details!" James yelled in Albus's ear, ripping the wrapping paper.

The box cover was lifted off.

Albus choked on his spit.

James stared at it. "Well, this is one perverted present." He wrapped an arm around Lily. "I'm so proud," he wiped a fake tear from his eye. "They grow up so fast-"

Lily just frowned. "Why—what's wrong with it?"

Albus cleared his throat. "What is it supposed to be?"

"A scarf! Grandma taught me how to make all kinds of things!"

"I could really masturbate to this scarf."

"Really, James?"

* * *

><p><strong>DONE [almost]. Merry Christmas! This is one of the best Christmas I've ever had; I haven't laughed this much in the last month, and I would talk about my Christmas, but this isn't a blog. Expect something on New Years. <strong>


	9. Something relevant here

Today is my parents' anniversary, they've been married for...nineteen plus two/one/three (I can't remember :D ) is...twenty/-one/-two? TWENTY/-ONE/-TWO YEARS EVERYONE. Gawd, they're so old. OOOOOOOOOOOLD.

So, this is my present to them, even though they'll never see this.

Everyone I talk to on the internets are old. OOOOOOOOOOLD.

Thanks for the reviews! I'm still surprised that people thinks this is funny. :D This one probably isn't funny though, since it tends to happen IRL for me. COUGH. Enjoy.

* * *

><p><p>

"Hey, hey, hey, Albus!" James shouted.

Albus sighed quietly as Lily continued to color in a cat.

"Your mum!" James said.

"We have the same mother."

"Your dad?"

"We have the same father."

_beat_

"...damn, I didn't think this through."


	10. The Beginning of the End

James smirked at the person in front of him.

"Well, this is surprising," James said, putting his hands in his pockets.

"What is – oh, it's you," Albus said, looking quite shocked at the appearance of his older brother.

James shrugged and let out a chuckle. "I believe it's been five years?"

"It's January, James." Albus frowned.

"So six years, what's the difference? I'm even more surprised now; you've not hit me for abandoning you and –"

"Do you have business here?"

James's smirk faded into a frown. "No, not really," he sighed. "I just wanted to know how you and Lily were doing."

"We're fine, no thanks to you."

James shrugged again, adjusting his jacket. "I suppose that's all I wanted to know."

"Then go."

"Not going to invite me to some catch-up dinner with you, Lily, and possibly others?"

"We don't need you, James!" Albus looked down at his feet and sighed. "Just go."

James stepped back, his face rather void of emotion, save for a smile that didn't quite reach his eyes.

"All right, I promise to see you on my deathbed, Albus."


	11. intermission

"Albus."

"Lily."

"Why don't you have a girlfriend?"

"We've talked about this, and just because you snog with that Scamander boy-"

"Albus, I'm not a child anymore."

"You're still-."

"Why did you turn James away?"

"Because he abandoned us."

"He's family, Albus. Doesn't that mean something to you?"

"It does not when he abandon-"

"Dad wouldn't want you to hold a grudge."

He sighed.

"How am I going to find him?"

"I have his address."

"You need to stop stalking people."

* * *

><p><strong>birthday in four days (26th) I dunno what to do dunno what to write<strong>

**WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE FOOOORRRR**


	12. another intermission

"A natural place for this herb to grow is...James's closet?"

"Oh, I guess we better go visit James then. I bet he misses us too."

"James's closet."

"You know, I heard he makes a very good...cup of water."

"_James's closet._"

"Would you rather it be under his bed?"

"I'd rather it be nowhere near him!"

"Exactly. So pack up, and go."

"Lily..."

"...Why are you glaring at me like that?"


	13. final confrontation

"James!"

"Lily! It's been so long! Well, it's been a week - but details, details. Still engaged to that... guy who I keep forgetting the name of?"

"**Engaged?!**"

"Albus, I was going to tell you sooner or later."

"Yes, at the wedding?"

"You seemed... distracted?"

"Lily."

"So, James, what did you cook for supper?"

"Uh... I was supposed to cook something? I just ordered a pizza."

"Ugh, of course. That is so like you."

"Is there something you need to get off your chest, Albus?"

"Don't argue like school children."

"Oh, yes, dearest little sister. I am at your every command."

"Don't get snappy with me, James."

"You're just our little sister, Lily."

"And you two are brothers! We're a family."

"_**How could you leave us like that, James?! Mum and Dad had died and you just left us!**_"

"Whoa, sudden outburst, much?"

"Tell me!"

"I was scared."

"What - did your Gryffindor courage run away?"

"Remember how you were scared of being in Slytherin?"

"That's irrelevant."

"Albus, our parents... shouldn't have just kicked the bucket like that. They were in that second war; they should've been immortal or something..."

"James, all people die."

"They will never see Lily's wedding, Albus. They'll never see their grandchildren, or see how they grow up or-"

"James, you went about this the wrong way."

"Do you forgive me?"

"No, of course not. But I feel like eating with you."

"Now that you two have settled down and worked things out, I have something to say."

"Are you pregnant?"

"Really, James?"

"No. The wedding's tomorrow."

"...what."

"Maybe our sister is more cunning than we thought -"

"No, it was from poor planning."

* * *

><p>And so it ends on a less humorous note. Yeah, I have learned from this to think things through before I do them. Originally, I hadn't planned an ending at all, but I became distracted and procrastinated and it fell apart. I apologize for the terribleness of the whole story, and how out of line the characters are with their canon personalities. I wish this turned into something more substantial, but that didn't happen because I'm a failure at writing but that's okay because I'll keep trying and maybe in 400 years I'll get it right.<p>

A low possibility in the future to write the whole thing, but I'll put it on my eventual to-do list anyway.

And thanks to all the followers, reviewers, and generally anyone who read this. I really do appreciate you.


End file.
